Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
