yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
