p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize