Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
