Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
