3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
