when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
