she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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