what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
