ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
