I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
