this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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