its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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