I must be too annoying 4 u.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
