last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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