Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
