did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize