i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
