I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
