I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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