man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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