How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
