I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
