Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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