one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
