She is in my trunk
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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