be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
