You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
