Will you blow on my dice?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
