Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
