I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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