And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
