Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
it glows. i had to have it.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
3 2 1 whiskey
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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