I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
