How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
