The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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