There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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