I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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