she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Randomize
