she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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