bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
