I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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