fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
