is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
