You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
