my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
