Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
