Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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