im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
