Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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