I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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