i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
