A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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