i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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