you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
