fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
