still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
