But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
