that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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