Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
