Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize