I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
