I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
