Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Let's get the cat blown out
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
